Although she's had a few hits, even a few Grammy awards, my favorite song of hers is Outside Looking In. For a long time, she was an older single gal and in this song she writes about the pain of it and longing for marriage. It's strikingly personal and honest and frankly a little bit like singing about the elephant in the room. Here's a verse:
I see them walking hand in hand, and my eyes just want to linger
On those golden wedding bands, wrapped around their fingers
By the time I turn away, I feel it once again
I'm back in this familiar place, outside looking in
You can hear the entire song on youtube, but remember it's a heart breaker--you'll have to be strong! It's even eerier after having heard her sing even more sad songs about remembering her parents fighting while she was a young child.
The good news is she did get married (at age 44) and is still married. She recently had to cancel a tour because of a serious health problem--a pulmonary embolism. It took her awhile to recover from that and was difficult for her emotionally. That's when she discovered what she calls "the learning curve of gratitude":
The Learning Curve of Gratitude
Everyone told me how lucky I was. A pulmonary embolism can take your life in an instant. I was familiar enough with the medical term, but not familiar with the pain, the fear and the depression that followed.
Everything I had been looking forward to came to a screeching halt. I had to cancel my upcoming tour. I had to let my musicians and crew members go. The record company, the booking agency: I felt that I had let everyone down.
But there was nothing to do but get out of the hospital, go home and get well.
I tried hard to see my unexpected time off as a gift, but I would open a novel and couldn't concentrate. I would turn on the radio, then shut if off. Familiar clouds gathered above my head, and I couldn't make them go away with a pill or a movie or a walk. This unexpected time was becoming a curse, filling me with anxiety, fear and self-loathing — all of the ingredients of the darkness that is depression.
Sometimes, it's the smile of a stranger that helps. Sometimes it's a phone call from a long absent friend, checking on you. I found my lifeline at the grocery store.
One morning, the young man who rang up my groceries and asked me if I wanted paper or plastic also told me to enjoy the rest of my day. I looked at him and I knew he meant it. It stopped me in my tracks. I went out and I sat in my car and cried.
What I want more than ever is to appreciate that I have this day, and tomorrow and hopefully days beyond that. I am experiencing the learning curve of gratitude.
I don't want to say "have a nice day" like a robot. I don't want to get mad at the elderly driver in front of me. I don't want to go crazy when my Internet access is messed up. I don't want to be jealous of someone else's success. You could say that this litany of sins indicates that I don't want to be human.
The learning curve of gratitude, however, is showing me exactly how human I am.
I don't know if my doctors will ever be able to give me the precise reason why I had a life-threatening illness. I do know that the young man in the grocery store reminded me that every day is all there is, and that is my belief.
Tonight I will cook dinner, tell my husband how much I love him, curl up with the dogs, watch the sun go down over the mountains and climb into bed. I will think about how uncomplicated it all is. I will wonder at how it took me my entire life to appreciate just one day.
